Restless

So I wasn’t really exposed to Christian music, praise and worship music, or whatever you want to call it until last year, but it has definitely been an interesting time. See, I grew up listening to a lot of Rap and Hip-Hop music my whole life. So you could say that I have done a total reversal of music interests. I went from listening to Kid Cudi, Jay-Z, and Kanye West on a daily basis; to listening to Matt Maher, David Crowder Band, and Hillsong United almost all the time. I didn’t go through this whole grand transformation of who I am, I just found listening to “Jesus Music” a lot more enjoyable than I used to.

So a song that kind of sparked that music change was the song “Restless” by Audrey Assad. I was first introduced to this song by my friend, Ana, on her “Happy” playlist. It is a popular song in the Catholic and Christian circles. So this song has done a lot for me recently. It was a song that I listened to in times of sadness, frustration, and joy. It was the song that really helped me strengthen my prayer life.

The chorus of the song goes:

            And I'm restless, I'm restless 'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You.  I am restless, I'm restless 'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You. Oh God, I wanna rest in You.

My prayer life has been pretty scattered in the past few months. You would think doing a volunteer year where you do a lot of prayer I would have it down to an art by now, but no, I haven’t. My mind has been restless. My heart has been restless. In result my prayer life has been restless as well. All of this has been frustrating me, but I guess that’s what happens when you are trying to figure out your life.

I was having a conversation with one of my friends one night and they say “But Paul, you seem like you have everything figured out in your life!” I respond to them saying, “ha. Haha.hahaha. lol.”

Recently I have been in this restless state of mind. See, I want to become a Campus Minister at Providence College one day. That is my goal in life and that is what I am striving to do. I am restless because of the uncertainty in the way I am going to get there. I am in the waiting stage of my grad school application process. Waiting to hear if it is a yes or a no. Waiting to hear if it is a maybe later. It is a state of unknown. I don’t like this stage at all, and me being me, I am naturally an impatient person and want to know right this instant what my future will or will not entail. I am restless because I want this to happen so badly. I want to go to Grad School, learn all that I can, and then finally become a great Campus Minister for someone. But maybe that this isn’t what God wants of me. Maybe there is something else God wants me to do. Maybe God wants me to go back to wanting to become a teacher.

I am restless because I want happiness, and a lot of things make me happy. All of the possibilities make me so happy and I want to do all of them. Teaching, ministry, all of it brings me joy. You can see the happiness in my face when I do/ talk about something I love. It radiates from me.

The bridge of the song goes:

Still my heart, hold me close. Let me hear, a still small voice. Let it grow, let it rise. Into a shout, into a cry

I just want to know. I just want to be pushed in a certain direction so I can just focus. I want to hear something. To just have a little guidance. So I can let it grow, let it rise, into a shout, into a cry. But that is not up to me. I will continue to be restless, until I can have that rest in Him. I guess I am just going to be restless for a while, but sometimes restlessness is a good thing.

- Paul