It's Who I Am

Franciscan Friars of the Atonement, Graymoor, at dusk.

Lately, I've been reflecting on that song by Chris Tomlin, "Good, good Father". It's a fairly popular song among Catholic and Christian circles right now. I first heard it at Catholic Underground in September, and it has been stalking me ever since. Since I'm doing a year of service, I see a spiritual director about once a month. And as we were talking about my past, and my struggle with a consistent prayer life, my love of this song came up. He asked me to reflect on this song and why it resonates with me.

As I've reflected, and listened, and prayed, I've realized something. And to be completely honest with you, I think it's because I have a hard time truly believing the lyrics. But I'm a sucker for repetitive prayer, this is something else I have learned about myself from SD. It makes me actually think about what I'm praying (taize or praise and worship), or think about what I'm meditating on (the rosary). This song is very repetitive and that's a big part of why I find myself wanting to sing it over and over again.

The chorus reads:

You're a good, good father, it's who you are, it's who you are. And I am loved by you, it's who I am, it's who I am. God, you are perfect in all of your ways. Because you're a good, good father.

Now you may be asking yourself, but Mary these are basic Christian principles. You know, God so loved us (John 3:16). Why is this hard for you to believe?

Well, dear reader. Think about how radical this Love is!

I had a wonderful experience at DDA, or Day by Day Agape, (a student led encounter retreat that CYFM runs). One of the things that I realized about my relationship with God is that I am often reluctant to accept God's love and the love of others. Often enough. I'd rather remain closed off. I would rather be completely independent.

And I am loved by you. It's who I am, it's who i am. You're a good good father.

But we are so loved by Him.

Often enough, I am reminded of how the world sees Love. And I begin to believe it. That I can't be loved. That no one can truly love me that much. That love is based on merit. That it can't be unconditional because we live in a broken world.

but He is Love, and this has become my prayer.

I recently finished reading Tattoos on the Heart by Fr. Gregory Boyle, SJ. In the last chapter he reflects on that song "O' Holy Night". Everyone has heard it. It's a Christmas classic. Fr. Greg reflects on this phrase:

Long lay the world in sin and error pining
'Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth

Fr. Greg talks a lot about how once the homies (the gang members he works with) realize their worth, they turn their lives around. Now, I won't spoil the book for you, because you need to go out and read it because it's incredible, but this part resonated with me. Just like the Chris Tomlin song.

He is love. He loves us with a perfect love. Even if it's hard to comprehend in such a broken world. He appears and the soul feels its worth.

As we move to the end of the liturgical year, it is darker, and we become more aware of the new beginning that will be here this upcoming Sunday. Advent begins. It's easy to commit to something for 30 days. So, will you commit to deepening your faith? I am. It's kind of like homework because my SD will expect to talk about it in December when we meet. But, it's good homework. And I'll be sure to try because I'm being held accountable.

I've already started in a way. I've reflected on this song. I've read a wonderful spiritual book. And I've been trying to read the gospel of the day and do an examen with The Jesuit Prayer App, which I love. (It reminds me to pray twice a day!) It's funny how God works because each day, the examen opens with this prayer:

God, I believe that at this moment I am in your presence and you are loving me.

And I am loved by you, it's who I am, it's who I am.

with love and gratitude,

Mary

*this post originally appeared on the blog a lovely little flower on November 25, 2015*

Restless

So I wasn’t really exposed to Christian music, praise and worship music, or whatever you want to call it until last year, but it has definitely been an interesting time. See, I grew up listening to a lot of Rap and Hip-Hop music my whole life. So you could say that I have done a total reversal of music interests. I went from listening to Kid Cudi, Jay-Z, and Kanye West on a daily basis; to listening to Matt Maher, David Crowder Band, and Hillsong United almost all the time. I didn’t go through this whole grand transformation of who I am, I just found listening to “Jesus Music” a lot more enjoyable than I used to.

So a song that kind of sparked that music change was the song “Restless” by Audrey Assad. I was first introduced to this song by my friend, Ana, on her “Happy” playlist. It is a popular song in the Catholic and Christian circles. So this song has done a lot for me recently. It was a song that I listened to in times of sadness, frustration, and joy. It was the song that really helped me strengthen my prayer life.

The chorus of the song goes:

            And I'm restless, I'm restless 'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You.  I am restless, I'm restless 'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You. Oh God, I wanna rest in You.

My prayer life has been pretty scattered in the past few months. You would think doing a volunteer year where you do a lot of prayer I would have it down to an art by now, but no, I haven’t. My mind has been restless. My heart has been restless. In result my prayer life has been restless as well. All of this has been frustrating me, but I guess that’s what happens when you are trying to figure out your life.

I was having a conversation with one of my friends one night and they say “But Paul, you seem like you have everything figured out in your life!” I respond to them saying, “ha. Haha.hahaha. lol.”

Recently I have been in this restless state of mind. See, I want to become a Campus Minister at Providence College one day. That is my goal in life and that is what I am striving to do. I am restless because of the uncertainty in the way I am going to get there. I am in the waiting stage of my grad school application process. Waiting to hear if it is a yes or a no. Waiting to hear if it is a maybe later. It is a state of unknown. I don’t like this stage at all, and me being me, I am naturally an impatient person and want to know right this instant what my future will or will not entail. I am restless because I want this to happen so badly. I want to go to Grad School, learn all that I can, and then finally become a great Campus Minister for someone. But maybe that this isn’t what God wants of me. Maybe there is something else God wants me to do. Maybe God wants me to go back to wanting to become a teacher.

I am restless because I want happiness, and a lot of things make me happy. All of the possibilities make me so happy and I want to do all of them. Teaching, ministry, all of it brings me joy. You can see the happiness in my face when I do/ talk about something I love. It radiates from me.

The bridge of the song goes:

Still my heart, hold me close. Let me hear, a still small voice. Let it grow, let it rise. Into a shout, into a cry

I just want to know. I just want to be pushed in a certain direction so I can just focus. I want to hear something. To just have a little guidance. So I can let it grow, let it rise, into a shout, into a cry. But that is not up to me. I will continue to be restless, until I can have that rest in Him. I guess I am just going to be restless for a while, but sometimes restlessness is a good thing.

- Paul

Advent Praise and Worship Night

Some of you may remember that back in December, CYFM held a Praise and Worship event. Amanda's friends from Scranton have a worship band called Countless Wonders. They helped to lead members of the CYFM community in worship of our Lord as we prepared for the Christmas season. 

Overall it was a lovely night. The band arrived around 5 pm and the CCVs hosted them to dinner. As the band set up, and warmed up, members of the greater CYFM community started to arrive. Everyone found a place in the chapel and Countless Wonders sang "O Come Let Us Adore Him" and "Lord I Need You". Soon after, Fr. Fred exposed the Blessed Sacrament, and we adored Him. 

Countless Wonders had a mix of songs that most people knew and songs that only a few knew. It made for a very prayerful atmosphere, with time for silence and time for praise. It was truly a great way to prepare for the Christmas Season at the end of Advent. 

You can find Countless Wonders on Facebook and Youtube

Also, if you're in the Hudson Valley, they will be at Catholic Underground North this 

Saturday, January 16, 2016